*Disclaimer – I said long ago that I would not discuss my marriage on my blog because I didn’t want to start drama. I am changing this because in order to work on me, I need to talk about my marriage. I won’t do a very good job of improving me if I neglect me as a wife. If you do not like this, then you do not have to read it. Keep your drama for the stage.*
2010 ended and 2011 started off with… well… a migraine. Joyful, right?
So how are things in the Kingdom of Sir Megabyte as the clock ticks over to another year?
It’s another day in paradise!
Too bad there’s trouble in paradise.
That’s right. I said it. And you know what, I know that I’m not alone. And that’s what this blog entry is all about. It doesn’t matter who you are or how long you’ve been married… it happens to all of us. You wake up one day and realize that this is it – the honeymoon is over.
What happens then? Generally that’s when you look at that person laying next to you in the bed and you think, “Good gravy, I married a troll!”
It’s probably because you came home from a girls night out and found him sitting in his undies on the sofa looking all hairy and biting his toenails. Face it, every person has *THAT* one habit. That thing that makes you absolutely crazy. (For the record, Sir Megabyte has never done this. Thank goodness. *Shudder*)
I hate to break it to you, but take a look in the mirror. He kinda married a troll as well. And I don’t mean take a look after you do all your plucking, sucking, shaving, moisturizing, and whatnot. No I mean that bleary eyed moment when you’ve got hair going everywhere and still have morning breath.
I’ll admit, I’ve been married nigh on forever at this point. Why bother even counting anymore? I can barely remember life when I wasn’t married. So for us? The honeymoon ended long ago. Does that mean that I’m stuck with my own version of Shrek?
I don’t think so.
So when there’s trouble in paradise and you realize the honeymoon is long over and real life comes crashing down on your head… what do you do? Do you try to figure things out and start the hard work that is marriage or do you flee?
I chose to stay. But here’s the thing: I know I need to work on me. After all, Beauty didn’t turn Beast into Prince Charming by being a troll.
I will be the first to admit that I’m most definitely from Venus. I’ve always been probably a little TOO into the free love and berries. So what did this “make love, not war” girl go off and do? I married a manly Marine type man from Mars.
We really are two very different people. I like to tease him and say I’m normal. (As if!) Of course I blame his abnormality on the dangly-bits. After all, I don’t have dangly-bits and I’m normal. Right? Hmmm… I bet he thinks dangly-bits makes him normal and my lacking these very precious things is what makes me neurotic.
So my goal is to work on myself. If I can de-troll myself, I can be a better wife. In being a better wife maybe I can remind him why he married this troll in the first place. My thought is that this will lead to his attempt to also de-troll. Maybe we can even figure each other out, regardless of the dangly-bits status.
So what can I do to be a better wife? I’m kinda thinking that living in these sweatpants might not be it… but there’s probably more to it than that.
Last year I read about 90% of The Power of a Praying Wife. I’m not saying I didn’t pray for him before because well, there’s a reason these knees are flat… but it made me realize a few things. It is a fantastic book. I think that I would like to reread it (and um, finish it… I kind of misplaced it) and maybe take my time to really focus on each chapter some more.
This would in turn make me think about his needs. I don’t think I think about his needs as much as I should. He’s not a bad guy, really, for a troll from Mars. But I think he could be a fantastic Prince Charming given the right incentive. You just don’t go from troll to Charming overnight though. You need someone to love you, shine your armor for you, take care of your steed… that’s my job.
I’m looking for other ideas. One friend thought I should go all The Love Dare on my man. Hey, it morphed Kirk Cameron from a troll into a Prince Charming in that Fireproof movie. It even de-trolled his wife! I think that might be a good idea. (Said friend also recommended I blog this. Thoughts?)
Other aspects of Project: Me will hopefully aid in my becoming a better wife… however I have definitely not paid enough attention to this side of who I am.
Or maybe I’ve just been reading Project Happily Ever After too much. That gal’s got it going on, though. I have to believe everyone not only deserves a happy ending, but that they can make it happen. So I’m going to do just that.
Besides, it’s never too late for a second honeymoon, right?
–Lady O
Project: Me is something I have been working on to improve myself in various aspects of my life. I started about a year or so ago, but never actually formalized it. This is my attempt to record it and formulate goals. I feel this needs to become a real project. The only way I will ever find happiness is to become happy myself. Without working on myself, I will never find nor maintain happiness. Project: Me will most likely be a lifelong endeavor, but enjoy this glimpse of my attempts at becoming a better wife, mother, child of God… a better me!
Are you working on your own personal project? I would love to hear about it. Meanwhile stay tuned for:
Marriage Monday
Tailored Tuesday
Wordless Wednesday
Testimony Thursday
Physical Friday
Lady Ozma's Journey 
As much flack as you might think this post might generate, I totally agree with you. I was also a hearts and flowers, candles and fairytale girly who married football player why are we using candles I can’t see my food what do flowers have to do with romance manly. Really, the honeymoon didn’t start until I remembered to be the one he fell in love with, and he remembered he wanted to take care of me. We kind of shake our heads at the first 7 years of our marriage, and are SO grateful for the last 12. NOT perfect, but SO MUCH BETTER.
My best wishes for your project!
LikeLike
So true! Marriage is work! No marriage is gonna be perfect and there will be trouble in paradise no matter how great a marriage is. Great for you guys! Thanks for visiting and commenting! I have a good week’s worth of posts on varying subjects, but I think this was probably the hardest!!!!!
LikeLike
Well… I’m not married. So I don’t feel qualified to say much about the subject. As a child of divorced parents, I’ve seen the ugly, gritty side of marriage. Those 2 things are definitely related, btw. I know its got to be hard work to keep the romance alive.
I love that you are doing this. I feel like it will be all kinds of good for your marriage. Fix you… Then rock his world.
LikeLike
Hmmm, but I suppose that it’s never too early to cultivate the traits found in a good wife/husband. Right?
I’m sort of a child of divorce. My mother left my bio dad right after I was born. She married the man that I call dad when I was five. They’d been together a while and I really don’t remember life without him. As far as I’m concerned he’s my dad, regardless of some stupid dna. And I love him very much. So I don’t really consider myself a child of divorce and well, they are normal people. I think every marriage has those moments where one spouse is like, “OMG you freak what’s your issue?” However I watched them hit those points, work through them, and here they are still married.
We’re just normal people here. We deal with normal things. I just know that sometimes I’m sure my husband probably thinks I’m the largest freak on the planet and wonders why he married me. So I like the idea of becoming a better wife and then… like you said… rockin’ his world. 🙂
LikeLike
I think it’s great that you are focusing on your marriage now before “real” problems arise later. It reminds me of a quote from John Bytheway: the Lord said “Go and do” not “Sit and stew”. You are making the choice to invest in your marriage, which is (in my opinion) exactly what the Lord would have you do.
I think making the choice to blog about it can help others who might think it is too hard.
Something you might know already, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention: now that you’ve made this commitment, the adversary will try to thwart your work. Kick his trash, dear! Show him who has got the power!!!
Oh, and use The Family: A Proclamation as inspiration, too.
LikeLike
Exactly! I originally said I’d not really talk about this sort of stuff because of the whole “airing dirty laundry” thing. However, I think that by not journaling my attempts at being a better wife, I have done myself an injustice as well as my marriage. I think that people need to realize that it is OK to be different from their spouse. And it’s also Ok to admit that you aren’t perfect. I doubt there’s one perfect marriage out there anywhere. Everyone has their ups and downs. Some marriages are really rife with turmoil, and that must take a lot to deal with and make it through, but here in the real world people do argue over bills, where to go on vacation, what kind of car to buy, parenting, and the like.
And it’s not wrong to disagree on these as long as you can find a way to come together in the end. It is most definitely not wrong to talk about these things.
We’ve had some trials. Hello? Twelve moves in um 16 years? That’s HARD on anyone. We had a critically ill child. We dealt with fertility/pregnancy issues. These aren’t major things but they are things that cause a lot of stress. Journaling about them is NOT bad.
LikeLike
Nice thoughts. I totally understand. Remember, I am the girl from the ‘burbs of urban DC who married the good ole Southern country boy hunter. Totally different universes, let alone different planets. But there is something about his spirit that drew me to him and that is why I love him and the same must be true for him or it just wouldn’t work. We just always have to remember that when we are sitting back, scratching our heads and wondering what in the world we were thinking on W-day (wedding). As a wise man once told me, if you do the right things, be an example to your family, and have faith, all good things will come in due time. I just have to remind myself sometimes that due time is not MY time. 🙂
LikeLike
Hi Robin! ((HUGS))
Yeah I think it’s hard on us good urban DC ‘burb girls when we go off and marry the Southern boy. I’ll never get that country life like he grew up with. Those guys do seem to have a certain spirit though, don’t they? Besides, they are pretty darn cute. Right? (OK, I really do think your husband is pretty darn awesome even if he’s one of these strange Southern boys that I just don’t understand. We should really get the guys together. I bet they’d have some fun talking about how weird we are, right?)
W-day. I like it! I’m gonna swipe it! Hope you don’t mind… HAHAHAHA
So true, due time isn’t always our time. Kind of wish it was. A little slice of paradise sure sounds nice after a busy holiday season!!!! 🙂
LikeLike
What’s funny is that the first year of Aaron and my marriage was harder than the first and we seem closer now than last year. It’s funny that it took him losing his job and me having to support him for a few months for us to become closer, but it worked.
One thing that also helped us was last winter we took the Marriage Course. It was really helpful for us. We wanted to start our marriage off strong so we took the course. It’s designed for marriages in all stages; old and new, good or in trouble. It of course would be for both of you, but if Megs wants to improve on things too maybe he’d be willing to do something like that as well. We did it through my church, or you can always get the Marriage Book which doesn’t have the DVD and isn’t as a lesson, but you can read through it yourself to get an understanding and maybe have conversation ideas to start talking to Megs.
I thinks it’s very important to get happy with yourself, and what you’re doing right now will definitely help your marriage. And I know you’ve hurt yourself a lot lately, hey I’m a klutz and I’m always hurting myself so I understand. But that might be taking a toll on Megs too. Keep going to your chiro and maybe see a neurologist about your migraines since you get them so frequently and keeping yourself out of pain might help improve your outlook and help him as well. It did a lot for me.
LikeLike
You’d be surprised, I think the trials actually make things beter if you let them. I know we seem stronger for the crazy-crazy we’ve faced.
Marriage classes are awesome. I think that sometimes people think they should do that before they get married or if they are one step away from calling up the lawyers. Marriage classes are always good, even if you have a fairly “perfect” marriage or you’ve been married upteen thousand years, or whatever!
I wonder if men think about these things. Megs is probably bouncing along going tra-la-la since he’s a man. I just think that he deserves a better wife. Like say, a wife who isn’t laid up for a month because she decides to go falling down the stairs like a dolt. Hello? No man should put up with that. I will say, he’s a saint. He’s done laundry and cooked and all sorts of things even though he’s really busy. He deserves a great big gold star. In the form of a better wife. 🙂
We just finished up a marriage course at our church as well. (Could possibly be why I’m thinking I need to improve me as a wife? Maybe!) Loads of good information in there. I filled out and returned the survey to the instructor just before Christmas and one of the questions was geared towards what can you do now to improve your marriage and I thought, “Uh, give my man a better wife?” No, really. He deserves a domestic goddess so I’m going to make darn sure he’s got one!
LikeLike
It was Aaron’s idea to do the course. He wanted to do one before we got married but there really wasn’t time. And when this one came up at our church and we did it I was a little worried. All I could think was “what’s wrong that he wants to do this? I know things have been crazy since the car accident, but do we need this?” But it was the best thing for us!
And I bet if you ask Megs, he would say that you are a good wife. And yes, it might be hard on him doing the cooking and helping with the laundry, but he probably feels that he WANTS to help you, not is obligated to do so. Just make a date night with him and go out to a nice restraunt (where they actually serve no good food so Megs would eat :p) and talk. When was your last real “date”?
LikeLike
You married a very wise man. He’s really a keeper. Just remember that when things go all crazy!
I think that’s the misconception though – people think if you say you want to work on your marriage, go to a counselor, talk to your clergy, write a stinking blog entry, whatever? You must be on your way to divorce court and saying the marriage is a pile of trash. Not so! Perfectly fine, healthy, strong marriages can gain from all of these things! The couple that taught our marriage class was so thrilled to do so because they said they wanted to work on their marriage even though there was nothing really “wrong”. They are empty nesters that are just great. (I went to high school with their two oldest children.) Marriage is a life long process, you never really get to “stop working on it” if you want things to be great!
I’m pretty sure if you called up Megs and asked him, he’d tell you that he’s got a good wife. I just want to be a great wife. An awesome wife.
Date nights are important. We did a double date with some friends just before Christmas to the Melting Pot. Way fun! I know, shocked, that he likes good food right? That’s about it. HEHEHE Silly picky eater man! You know, he really makes me nuts over food. I think just the fact I’ve managed to stay married to him this long and not gone crazy over the food issue should prove that we’re doing all right… right?
Doesn’t mean I can’t work on being a better wife. He deserves that.
LikeLike
I’m divorced and it sucks (in my case a lot less than marriage did). Feels like an amputation. My advice (feel free to salt liberally) is to focus on being the very best person you can be, including being the kind of wife you ought to be. And what manner of wife ought you to be? Stay in tune with God and He’ll help you sort that out.
I would avoid, however, trying specifically to be exactly the wife your husband wants. Remember he married YOU not … not a lump of clay he can mold into whatever he wants. Because if you do that, you’ll find that invariably he won’t like what he’s created. Be the clay, but let God be the sculptor.
LikeLike
Exactly my thoughts! I’m trying to become a domestic goddess here! However, there are just some things that I know the man would like that I’ll just never be. Like you know, try as I might I’m never gonna be five foot ten and weigh 112 pounds. It just isn’t gonna happen. However, I think that a five foot four size ten girl can still be a pretty awesome domestic goddess.
And really? If I’m a domestic goddess, then he should just be happy loving me. RIght? I think so. I’m pretty sure that asking a man to help me become a goddess is probably not the right way to go about it. I like the idea of being the clay and letting God sculpt me. He is after all… a God. He’s gotta be far better at making Goddesses than anyone else!
2011 – the year I work even harder to become a Domestic Goddess!
LikeLike
Intriguing post…
That’s all I have to say. 🙂
LikeLike
I’m sure… HAHA You might like today’s. It’s about fashion. I bow to the awesome women like you!
LikeLike
Pingback: Project Me: Tailored Tuesday « Lady Ozma's Life and Times
Pingback: Project: Me – Testimony Thursday « Lady Ozma's Life and Times
I’ve been married 34 years, and we’re still working at it — every day. But it’s worth it. Nobody ever thought we’d make it 6 months, let alone 34 years. It took us 17 years to get to the temple — so we’ve now been sealed 17 years — half our marriage. I must say that the last 17 years were better than the first. I don’t know if we’ll live long enough to see another 17 years, but here’s hoping that we’ll keep on learning as we go.
LikeLike
I was slack and I blame winter depression. Sorry! But I’m going on that year 17 and it’s hard to believe. But really, I’m a troll. I don’t know why he wanted to marry me in the first place. As for me? I still blame the Marine Blues. They distracted me. HEHE
LikeLike
Pingback: Married With Zombies – Book Review « Lady Ozma's Journey