i just posted… and now this is hidden from my family…

I’m dreadfully upset today. The tears just want to overflow. the timing of this… all so close together. And it is time for me to make the appointment for Caramon to go for his regular visit. And I just haven’t gotten the courage to make the appointment. I am always filled with such fear. My stomache aches and I just don’t know if I can express to you how hard this is. I live in fear we’ll go and something will be there and we’ll start the whole nightmare over again.

And then I find out Wade’s nightmare is starting all over again. (That’s the brother-in-law). And it makes me even more afraid. Because it can happen. And I just don’t know if I can go through it again. I just don’t. It’s so hard. And I know I’m really positive and try to make it sound like it wasn’t that big a deal… but it really is hard. Really hard. Understand that. I always try to be so positive about anything… it is what gets me through the hard times. Finding that silver lining. But… I don’t know… when you see your child go through that? It does something to you.

All I could think about was how aweful my MIL sounded when I spoke to her on the phone. And how much worse Wade’s parents must be feeling. And of course that made me think of mhovley and her family. And her mother on a mission in NJ… And Sir Megabyte’s Aunt Betsy (i think she’s an aunt) is also dealing with this crap?

It’s not fair. It’s just not. Why do good people go through this? And will we get bad news too? Please, God, please… let Caramon be OK. Give me the courage to take care of his appointment. Let Wade be OK. And mhovley, and Betsy. Please give the families and friends the strength they need to get through this. Bless the children. Please bless the children who do not understand how unjust and blind cancer is. Please…

All of this, and I really am feeling blue this holiday season. It’s just getting to me. Still in my mum’s house. Not being able to go all out for the holiday. Sir Megabyte is increasingly unhappy being here and so far from work. And paying that darned mortgage on a house we no longer live in. And I feel lost. I feel so lost. I no longer do any of the things I once enjoyed. No book club. The stamp group hasn’t been able to meet. My friends are increasingly difficult to catch up with. I’m not needed at the school like I was last year. And I don’t even have my own stuff to cook with and clean with and I feel weird cleaning my parents house though I do since no one else will. I can’t even watch TV easily. I just feel so lost. So very lost.

I am going to watch ER and veg. If you actually read this, thanks. I really needed to vent. I posted this no family allowed just because I didn’t want them to see this. I hope the post i made about the illness is OK. I don’t want to upset anyone.

I have been spending a lot of money. I know it is the feeling blue. “Retail therapy” I guess… I bought 24 Season 2. So I will watch that as it is quickly getting into repeat season. Perhaps it will help get my mind off things…. My mum got Buck Rogers. I can move right into that. And hopefully I’ll have money to get 24 season 3 next week or the week after. I have a 10 dollar off coupon that came with season 2. One of the reasons I went ahead and splurged on that…

*sigh*