Marty the Vamp, the three breasted whore from Mars, and a Gideon walked into a bar…

OK, so it wasn’t a bar and the Gideon didn’t plan on going ANYWHERE with the other two… but they still ended up together.  Talk about someone’s nightmare come true.  The only question is who’s nightmare it was.

It all started when some hapless fool in the hotel offices decided to book a sci-fi/fantasy convention at the same time as a Gideon conference.  Yes, Gideon.  The Bible in hotel room people.

You can but only imagine the chaos.

The first time we noticed anything awry was while sitting in the lobby.  Three exceedingly well dressed people stroll in pulling designer luggage.  And freeze when they see Sodom and Gomorrah in their hotel lobby. 

Who knew that Sodom and Gomorrah involved vulcan ears and belly dancers?

The stunned three stood unmoving for a solid three minutes as if stung by a basilisk’s gaze.  Could you blame them, though? 

In one corner Belgar the 300 pound belly dancer performed for quite the crowd.  Her jiggling, gyrating flesh blinding in its whiteness.  She might proudly bare it for all the convention to see from the safe confines of a hotel lobby, but her skin never saw the light of the sun.

In another corner Sir Tytus and Sir Galeed duke it out with swords in full chainmaille, explaining the proper etiquette and stances of your typical sword play.  Sir Galeed strikes Tytus’s arm and the crowd cheers when they hear, “It’s but a flesh wound!”

Mephistopheles and a  storm trooper debate the finer qualities of The Dark Side near the shocked trio.  When Mephistopheles noticed the three he waved as if he knew them well and flashed a smile filled with a mouthful of razor sharp pearly white teeth that stood out in contrast to his brandywine read skin.  I am sure the colour of his skin was akin to that of the sinful liquid they would guiltily guzzle later in a vain effort to self-medicate away the trauma.

And that’s when Marty the Vampire entered the room with his snack du jour, er… date.  The blue skinned, three breasted whore from Mars.  What, haven’t you seen Total Recall?  Spying the three frozen humans near the door, Marty licked his lips and flashed some fang.

I swear you could see the man nearest the vampire swallow and sweat bead on his forehead.

Marty the Vampire grabbed his companion and slowly lowered her in a deep dip as they began the dance that all vampire victims know so well.  Her head cocked to one side and Marty bit, feasting to her orgasmic pleasure.

And that was it for the three Gideons.  They left their luggage where it sat on the floor, backed up to the door, turned and fled for the safety of anywhere but that hotel. 

I’m sure they spent the next three days in prayers for all of our souls.

–Lady O