My stomach is cramping and I’m starting to sweat.

Me and a group of boys. Boys under the decent age of 15. Gosh, help me someone!

I haven’t really posted about it… but two months ago they asked me at church to do scouts. They have since then moved me around and moved me around and couldn’t decide what to do with me. Personally I think it is because I do not belong with these boys at all. I’m sorry… but me and kids? I barely can deal with my own at times! But I seriously can’t stand other people’s kids. I love babies, new borns are wonderful! It is fun to watch other people’s babies at Church or whatever. But it is nice because I don’t have to deal with them. I can’t stand it because I’m just so fricking stiff and that’s my own fault. I like things to be a certain way and well, no one understand that. My kids have grown up with me so they are good and understand the way I am. But other people seem to think it is appropriate for their kids to climb on furniture and scream inside and play in dirt. The few times I’ve subbed in primary I swear are what resulted in half my grey hair. I end up completely insane! And they want me to do this weekly? With boys no less? Boys? What do I know about boy things? Especially since up until now my whole end all knowledge of scouts is “it is for boys”. I had never even really thought about my boys being in scouting or me even being involved with it if they were. Especially not with what they want me to do which is Den Leader. Shouldn’t a guy do that? I mean, maybe something in the background like tracking achievements thingies or something, sure. That’s me. But to actually function with these kids? Eeeeek!

I’ve been trying to come up with a top 10 list of why I’m not cut out to be a scout leader. I was trying to make them all funny. But I just coudln’t find anything funny. Other than that if I were to lead the boys anywhere we’d get lost and eaten by bears! And yes it would happen. Get me out of the city and I can’t find my way anywhere! So we’d get lost and freeze since this is Ohio and then we’d be scout-sicles for some bear family!

Well anyway… we started scouts last week and I couldn’t go because it was Caramon’s curriculum night. So Sir Megabyte did things last week. Which gave me another week to try to figure out how to get out of this. Unfortunately we have like zero leaders. Ugh! The Church can’t find anyone to fill the other roles. So now I’m completely stressed out and I think I might throw up.

Well, if the boys are unacceptable I’ll just drag them to their parents by their ears. Hopefully the parents will stay.

Oh gosh… I really do feel like throwing up.

I’ll post to let you know if I survive. Tonight we are doing flag stuff. Thingies with how to fold it (uh… never did understand that triangle thingy) and how to hang it and how to put it on a flagpole (don’t really know this stuff either.) and things. Hopefully it will keep little hands busy and little mouths shut and the time will pass quickly and I can get home and watch Enterprise and unwind. If I were a drinking woman I think I’d be hugging a bottle of sherry right about now.

I’m also a little upset because Caramon is all excited now. The little cub people at school came and talked to the boys about Tigers and now Caramon wants to do that. He’s seen daddy be scoutmaster (yeah my husband believes in scouting… i’ve never given it a first thought let alone a second) and so he relates scouting to being “cool like daddy” and so he wants to do Tigers. Well our church doesn’t do Tigers. Don’t ask. I have no clue. All I know is that not only am I having to learn a very complicated program, I’m having to learn a whole wacky set of complicated exceptions that my church makes. I’ve been in scout hell for the last two months trying to figure everything out.

These boys are going to turn into little Frasier and Niles Cranes. Not that there’s anything wrong with being metro-sexual… but I don’t know that their fathers are going to like it. My expertise is with tea parties and flower arranging and ballet and concerts and not boys and survival and uh… whatever else it is that scouts do!