Why is it that I go through life getting so excited over things, but then I cave to the inner fears and doubts?  Carpe diem!  Right?  We only live once!  Right?

Seems I can’t seize my dog when he’s running wild through the yard, what makes me think I can carpe a diem or anything else?

Instead of just feeling the rush and going after my dreams, I flounder.  Oh, I feel the rush!  Don’t get me wrong.  And the rush feels oh so good.  But then, it comes.  It creeps up on me.  The dread, the doubts, the concerns, the worries.  It eats away at me and causes me so much stress that I end up unable to make any decisions.

Even when I’m told to do things by people who should know to go after my dreams, to reach further, I cannot find the strength in me to make it happen.

Why do I worry and stress over so very much?  Why do I let my own fears and self-doubts control me?  When everyone around me tells me to try something, why can I just not do it?

I have tried this year to fight those insecurities.  Yet in the end, they seem to continually win the battle.  I am left exhausted from trying to find the courage to go after these things and disheartened at the missed opportunities.

Maybe next time?  Perhaps I can make different choices?  Pull myself out of my personal quagmire?

Two chances this month for photography contests, and *poof* the deadline killed me.  I simply could not decide what to enter.  Seems a silly thing to feel so much stress over, yet I ended up not being able to cope with the decision making.  Nothing seemed good enough, special enough, remarkable enough to send away.

Missed opportunities for my writing.  Why do I fear sharing that piece of me?  What is the point of writing something if it sits on a computer hard drive collecting virtual dust?

What am I so afraid of?  Rejection?  Finding out I am as mediocre as I fear I truly am?  Opening myself to the world?

I need to stop cowering in the corner, terrified.  I need to stand up, turn my face to the sun, and find the strength to be me.  To let myself shine, bright and beautiful. 

If only it was as easy to do that as to write it. 

–Lady O

Originally posted on ladyozma.vox.com